This story was told by a person incarcerated at Fresno County Jail.
UCI: Go ahead.
Caller: Okay, here is the issue. My name, okay, I’m telling you my name is because, you know, I’m a bad boy. My name is [redacted] I want people to know anyways in case something happens to me. I want them to know I gave back to the community, you know, in some certain way, even if it’s, you know, this way, the smallest way.
Right now, we’re having issues with psychiatry, the psychiatric community here. Because, so, what’s happening is that doctors are afraid to contract the virus, so the psychiatrists, you know, opposed to the psychologist, the – I call them the biologists, the bio-psychiatrist, the one who gives out the meds.
So what’s happening is a lot of us are putting in sick hall requests to have our medications reevaluated or adjusted, and our needs are not being met.
I, myself, have been asking them, because I’m on a medication that’s giving me twitches, and it’s making me feel really awful at nighttime. Okay, it’s Geodon. So, what’s happening is I put a request in to readjust this medication or having to reevaluate my conditions, and it’s not being met because there’s no doctors willing to expose themselves to the risk.
Or having – so quarantine means we can’t leave the tank. So, that’s a very, very big concern for us because all of us who need the medication and need the psychiatric help are not getting it, not receiving it. And It’s been three weeks, you know what I mean?
So, when we’re dealing with the issues that are, you know, happening right now, we need them dealt with right now, not when quarantine is over. I mean, it’s like the Catch-22.
You know, they you know – we have to see a doctor now, but we can’t until the quarantine is over, but then at that point, our issues might be over, or we might do something drastic like a lot of mutilation. Self-mutilations happen here. You know, attempted suicides.
We’re in a cage, so nobody can really attempt suicide without somebody seeing it happening. So, that’s a good thing. However, self-mutilation does happen. And we can’t really contain that as inmates. Somebody might just go under the blankets and start cutting themselves with a piece of, you know, shaving implement, a razor.
Or, you know, our masks have little wires in them. So, what a patient does is he takes the wire out of the mask and uses it to cut himself. You know, because he starts scratching away, and it starts cutting deeper and deeper. And that’s what happens a lot because people are lonely, scared, afraid.
It’s like the community has no, no like concern. I’m sure they do have a concern, but they’re more afraid for themselves than they are for the patients. You know? It sort of seems like kind of a bit of selfishness, you know?
Or it might be a policy set in place where they can’t come and see us, and you know, they’re – they’re, you know they have their hands tied. I’m not sure. Nobody’s telling us.
But what is for sure is that we’re not getting help. So, that’s a major concern. And I think that is also a violation of human rights, and – but we’re working on it. It’s not like anybody’s doing it deliberately, and nobody cares. It’s just that this quarantine and this pandemic has – is so new to mankind that there’s nothing set in place.
There’s no, what you call, due process. You know? We haven’t been to court, you know, for three weeks, close to a month. You know? And all of us missed our court dates. So, it’s like, you know, it’s overwhelming. However, we’re dealing with it.
And yeah. So, yeah, so the psychiatrists here are not doing, you know, anything to help us. So, that’s a concern. And maybe that can change in the future or something, but right now, it’s not. So, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about because, you know, it’s something that needs to be addressed.
And a lot of us here don’t have the appropriate education to address these matters. You know, most of us don’t, 99 percent don’t. I’m self, like, educated from all the years I’ve been in prison.
I started reading at a very young age, and you know, so that’s why I probably am a little more, you know, attuned to health, but I get overwhelmed because everybody wants me to do the grievances, and everybody wants me to do, you know, fight for their rights. And there’s 44 people, and I can’t do it for everybody. It’s just overwhelming sometimes, you know? But I want to. I really care.
So, everybody has their own issues. Everybody deals with this, you know, this quarantine differently. But for the most part, we miss our families. I don’t have any family, so, but I know how it is to miss somebody.
You know, I know how it is to be lonely and, you know, afraid. And for the most part, that’s what’s happening here.
And dealing with fear, you know, with bad boys, is like, is not no easy walk in the park. You know, because you’re dealing with these guys that can’t, or are afraid to show any kind of fear. So, it’s very unhealthy when you’re afraid. You know what I mean?
You’re afraid to show fear? I mean, it’s weird. You know? You’re afraid, but you’re a tough guy? You know what I’m saying?
So, you know what I mean? I mean, it’s just – yeah. So we’re dealing with different behaviors, you know? The guys that talk to themselves walk around in a circle, you know, that kind of rubs off. But, you know, it’s healthy.
I don’t know if you noticed – have you ever watched a movie called Legend? You know, Will Smith was alone in the world, and he set up mannequins to talk to because, you know, he wanted to keep his mind healthy.
So, it’s actually a good thing. It’s not a bad thing to talk to yourself. You know? Contrary to common belief, it’s actually a good thing to talk to yourself. You know? It keeps you sane, especially in a place like this.
Everybody has a wife that they have in their head that, you know, they might not be married, but we have like this imaginary woman that keeps us sane that we love, that we attend to. I mean, that’s mostly incarceration. That’s what the mind does, you know, especially in isolation. You know, we come up with things to love.
You know, it’s not necessarily we want to be loved. It’s that, as men and before we die, we want to love somebody. We want to love something. We want to give back. You know? And that’s the main goal that we all have. You know?
Because we’re concerned that it, you know, we did the swabs, so but we’re concerned that it is going to come back positive. Somebody is. And if that does happen, then it’s going to be an outbreak, you know?
So, we’re just waiting, you know, for the results. And then after the results, should be in a couple more days, then we’ll see what happens from there.
So, yeah, so that’s what’s going on. I mean, a lot of policies don’t exist, a lot of procedures don’t exist, and the institution, that we hear, is working on those policies and setting things in place to, you know, protect us, you know, from having our rights violated. I’m sure they are. I hope they are. But, you know, more than likely, they are.
So, with the guards and stuff like that, they’re very brave because they know they can be exposed, but they still come in here and do the security checks and security sweeps and expose themselves. So, you know, we call them the Purple Hearts, you know, because they’re very beautiful people.
And we notice this. You know? We’re noticing how, you know, at least, on some level, you know, we are, you know, thought of, you know? Because they don’t have to come in here, you know, they could just stay at the door and treat us like we’re diseased, you know? But they don’t. So, shout out to them, you know? I mean, it’s a good thing.
So, anyways, so do you have any other questions? I just wanted to you – because you said you’re psychology, studying psychology, so I thought that might be of interest to you, what’s happening to the psychiatric community here and how it doesn’t always – it’s not always a good thing. You know? So –
UCI: Absolutely. Mental health is super prevalent, especially during the pandemic because of the lockdowns. Were you all able to see the doctor prior to COVID on a regular basis?
Caller: Yeah, prior to COVID, it’s a set procedure in place to see the doctor. You file a request at a certain time to see the psychiatrist. Usually, before that, it’s going to be a psychotherapist, you know, or it’s going to be somebody working for the psychiatric community, you know, somebody at the lower levels? A therapist.
But there’s somebody we can see. You see what I mean? There’s somebody we can reach out to and talk to. You know?
But right now, there’s nothing like that, you know? And there’s no confidentiality. Oh, totally none at all. So, when they – when somebody does come to the door, and it’s not going to be a psychiatrist, it’s going to be a therapist at the lowest level, they approach us, and they ask us our permission to talk in front of the guards.
And a lot of us do not feel comfortable doing that because these issues are personal, and we feel that it’s our confidentiality is privileged. You know? So, we’re reluctant to speak. You know? And that, in itself, causes conflict, you know, within. So, that too is a concern.
So, I mean, it’s not that they’re neglecting us completely. I mean, they’re trying their best. I’m going to give that to them, but their best isn’t enough. You know? People can die. There’s people at risk, you know, of suicide. It’s just – it’s just, you know, overwhelming for everybody.
I mean, you know, but the most part is is that – like Biden says, the world is changing. I mean, the world has changed. I totally agree with him. The world has changed. And it’s about time that we either, you know, get with it, or we’ll be dragged into this new world, you know, kicking and complaining.
You know what I’m saying? I’m not with that, you know, kicking and complaining. I want to be open heart with everything, you know, and come into this new world where there’s more peace, love, and security for everybody. You know?
Prisoners really value that. They value kindness. We’ve just been mistreated most of our lives. We don’t really, you know, understand kindness until it’s given to us, and we are afraid of it. So, you know, we’re not sure if it’s a manipulation tactic.
You know? We get suspicious of kindness, and we shouldn’t, you know? But that’s the reality of it, you know, suspicion. You know?
When somebody’s kind to us, it’s for, you know, a reason. Not to be, you know, negative, but it’s not the reason, you know, everybody thinks it’s some kind of suspicion tactic, suspicious because the tactic is used to get, you know, gain control over a human. I mean, isn’t that weird?
I mean, isn’t that sickening in a sense that, you know, we have to feel that way because somebody’s being kind to us instead of accepting it as it is? But that’s the reality of, you know, institutions and people that have been mistreated all their life.
Some of these guys, their moms are prostitutes. Some of them don’t know how to read, you know, and write, you know? I mean, it’s like, there’s so much potential here, so much love, you know, that can grow and blossom, so much kindness here. But nobody has like a set standard of how these things should be conducted or how they should conduct themselves in these areas because no one’s ever experienced it.
You know? Their mothers are prostitutes. That’s not a very kind mother if she’s a prostitute. I mean, you can understand.
You know, I mean, I shouldn’t say that. You know what I mean? But it’s – you never know who’s a kind person but I’m saying. You know?
It’s – I’m overwhelmed right now. I’m talking fast because I feel rushed. You know? I got a little 15-minute phone call, so I’ve got to talk really fast, and talking fast gets me confused, and I’m not saying things that I want to say.
So when I get off the phone, I think, “Okay, I want to talk about this, and I totally forgot about it.” So if I – when you get on the phone, it’s a rushed process. You’ve got to say what you’ve got to say really fast.
UCI: Yeah, well, I do think the mental health conversation is super important. So, you’re always welcome if able, if you’re able to, to write it down and then call us back and, you know, do it that way.
Caller: I feel so selfish, though, when I call. I’m like, I’m taking from somebody else. You know what I mean? So, I’m reluctant to call, you know?
UCI: Oh, no, no!
Caller: Like, you know? There’s money involved. Somebody’s paying for this. You know what I’m saying? And it’s not cheap. And, you know, I just –
UCI: I know.
Caller: I don’t feel like I’m like, I’m not, you know, important enough to be calling somebody who’s paying for my time.
UCI: Oh my gosh! Yeah, no, I totally understand. And your stories are relevant. You know? The things that we’ve personally talked about, and probably talked about with my team member, they’re really important. And, you know, we say COVID, but also prison – jail because a lot of these issues were prevalent before COVID.
Caller: Yes.
UCI: And so, you know, mental health is a real issue, and I think it’s a real topic that is important to discuss. So, we love these phone calls.
Caller: It is primitive. In institutions, the psychiatric community is primitive. It’s very undeveloped. We need an expert, somebody to grow up in this field and be an expert and teach the prisons how to make a place where when somebody is suicidal, they don’t put him in a cage and lock them in there with handcuffs.
You know? You put something in there that’s padded. Something in there that’s fuzzy, you know what I’m saying? A teddy bear. You know what I mean? I mean, just common sense.
UCI: Yeah, totally. Well, always feel free, like you can call us and share those thoughts with us and stories because they are important. So, please know that.
Caller: I thank you very much. You’re so beautiful. You’re such a kindhearted person. You know? That makes you very beautiful in my eyes.
UCI: Thank you so much. Thank you. I hope you have a good night.
Caller: Yes, you too. Okay?
UCI: Thanks, bye-bye.
Caller: Bye.
