This letter was written by a person incarcerated at New Folsom.
Greetings from the fringes! I am well and hope you are too. Thank you for coming. I hope I can be of service to you and Professor Turney. Thank you so very much for listening to our stories and calling me by name.
I am 35 years old and serving a 20-year sentence for assault with a deadly weapon. I’ve been in prison for 15 years (2006) this year. I am probably the worst person you could’ve asked to write in, but I’ll give it a shot. I hope I don’t cause you to get an “F.” I hope my honesty compensates for my foolishness.
COVID has been hell on prisoners’ nerves because everyone’s worried about their loved ones’ health. Things are getting a little better now with the vaccine. Guys are not as tense or irritable as before because many of our loved ones are getting their vaccines. To give you a little more insight into this anxiety I’ll explain why guys worried so much.
In the beginning of the pandemic, no one knew how lethal this virus was. Couple that with the fact that many of the prisoners on maximum security prisons (which CSP-Sacramento is) have been incarcerated for many years so our parents and/or grandparents and siblings are older and therefore vulnerable to COVID. So between ignorance and old age we were worried. To be clear, I didn’t meet anyone who was/is worried about his own health.
We prisoners are very fatalistic and cynical and quite accustomed to the possibility of pain or death. A typical sardonic joke among our own was/is “I bet you COVID isn’t as bad as kicking” (kicking is slang for heroin withdrawal). I’d rather get COVID than kick!
Visits have been cancelled. They are beginning to give them back to us but they are very restricted so that most guys don’t even bother. This is a real source of anger and frustration among those who got their vaccines and have family members who are also vaccinated. I don’t really get visits as most of my family died while I was in the SHU (Security Housing Unit). I can still empathize with my fellow prisoners but it’s not an issue that affects me directly.
The work assignments and self-help groups on the other hand, affect me immensely. I work in the kitchen so whenever my block is quarantined I can’t work. I got vaccinated so that I could work under any circumstances but if your block gets quarantined you can’t leave the block. This is very frustrating, but I suppose it should be expected from this monstrous bureaucracy called CDCR. Bureaucracy is the enemy of common sense.
In order for a block of 128 prisoners to be quarantined it has to have a COVID positive test from a ward or guard. We get tested once a week. Most of the time the positive tests come from the guards themselves.
This will continue to happen even as California opens up because many of these officers are alt-right types who think the virus is a hoax meant to topple King Donald. That means the vaccine is a superfluous intrusion by Nancy Pelosi into your very blood stream. Not all guards are capitol stormers. Some are decent people and trust the science. These are vaccinated
The institution has done an excellent job keeping us safe. To my knowledge no one has died of COVID nor have we had serious outbreaks. Infections have occurred but are dealt with quickly and efficiently. One of the things the administrators were forced to do was keep all non essential workers out of the prison. This meant that the self-help group volunteers could no longer come here and hold the NA/AA, religious services or other groups’ meetings.
These programs were a vital part of our rehabilitative efforts. They provide a safe space where one can worship or work on sobriety or learn viable skills or even just be around positive prosocial individuals. Without them I shudder to think how many men have relapsed or slipped back into their shell. Their hard shell.
In prison, you never know when the monotony of everyday life will be broken by violence, danger, conflict or tragedy. Prisoners are so deprived of human contact and constantly dehumanized that when we are able to go to these groups we form close bonds. It’s a cathartic experience for many of us.
I am sober nine and a half years now by the grace of God. All thanks to Him. I am able to help men in these groups with their college work or even talk them off the edge of relapse. People I’ve always help me when I am in need so I’m committed to helping any and all when I am able to.
I think that the letter I received from you is a pre-written letter and that it’s the one Professor Turney how do you guys send out. Am I right or am I mistaken? I ask because I would love to ask you guys the same question you asked me. I have been away for a long time and I truly wonder how young people feel about this moment in our history.
I am accustomed to being locked in a bathroom with a bed; to having no human contact; to mortal danger every time I step out of my house or cell; to insufferable boredom; to the anxiety of not knowing what to do; to hyper-vigilance; to people falling apart around you; to restrictions on every facet of my life; to being powerless, utterly powerless.
I was quarantining since before COVID. I’ve been in quarantine for 15 years. I can tell you about this but perhaps this is the story better shared another day. That said, I would love to know how you are coping with this crisis? What have you learned about yourself? Your peers? Your society? Are you afraid? Are you optimistic about the future?
What has this year taken from you? Did you ever doubt things would get better? What has kept you going? Has this year made you more empathetic towards prisoners? Do you believe in the need for prison reform?
In parting I would like to recommend you two books that will serve you better than anything I could say. They are Gulag Archipelago by Alexander Silzhenitsyn and Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts. Thank you for your time. Thank you all for caring. God bless you all. Stay safe.
Respectfully.
***
One day I will be a man again
I will be resurrected to mankind
A revenant heart in the body of man,
Then there will be no time for anything.
Men Have no time to do the things I do now.
Men must do the things of men.
These things take time.
I am a brown thing with a number.
I do other things like read a book or two
Things like be quiet when I want to yell
Or not shower when I want to
Or not smile when I’m in love.
Yes, brown Things fall in love too.
Whether with life itself or a woman.
So I take this opportunity to do all that men don’t do, especially read.
And I do – a lot.
I read everything I can right now
Americans that wrote what they believe
And some that didn’t
Russians who knew about things with numbers
or we’re at times things with numbers themselves
Mexicans that grow cynical
Or maybe showed up that way
To name a few.
Books, essays, poems, letters even.. letters especially.
from humble men and women that care for this brown thing with a number.
One day I will be a man.
Then I will do the things that men do — but for now
I will do the things of things with numbers.
And read — especially read.
