This letter was written by a person incarcerated at Solano.
During this pandemic being incarcerated, I made conscious choices to connect with people around me because it offered me what I desired. I signed up with mental health to see a license clinical social worker, which I am grateful that the prison system offers. This was a place that I felt safe to talk and express my stressors during this time.
What was bothering me most during this time that I sought help was the loneliness I was experiencing. There was a emptiness and void inside me that I was looking to fill. It was not everyday, but occurred sporadically throughout the year. I was experiencing irrational thoughts that led to great fear and pain.
When friends or family did not pick up, I began to think the worse. I first asked if they were okay (health wise), then I wondered if they had abandoned me. These thoughts ruminated. I expressed this to the person I was working with in mental health.
I walked away from our first session with a quote that rang so true to me. “Loneliness is not being alone, but being surrounded by the wrong people.” I was gravitating to people around me just in attempt to fill that void. But, I still felt empty inside and at times I felt exhausted of the conversations.
Fortune would have it that I made a genuine connection with someone that would light the passion and companionship I desired. This occurred after I tested positive for COVID-19 and was moved to the gym for quarantine. At first, I was fearful of testing positive.
I did not want to be placed in isolation because of the comfort I experienced at my current spot. I was also just starting to form a relationship with a friend, who now I consider close. I watched as names were called off a list and people packed up their things to go to quarantine. As I watched, loneliness set in once again.
The building I was in had become vacant. It was eerie to wake up and see such an empty place that was once so lively. I told the nurse I had symptoms of COVID-19, where only a few months ago I would have kept that to myself. I told her I wanted to go to quarantine.
Everyone that I shared a connection with at this point was gone. I was one of the last group to be quarantined. When my name was announced the next day to be quarantined, I jumped up with joy.
Thinking back, I can chuckle at what occurred. I would have rather experienced COVID-19 than to experience the loneliness. This probably had to do with the fact that my symptoms of COVID-19 were quite mild.
